My blood test in the ER came back with HCG level of 11. My cervix was still closed, but I had moderate bleeding. I took a digi test 2 days later and it still showed positive. I got my blood drawn 3 days after my ER visit and the results of that was 13.9. So my hcg levels are either slowly increasing or it is just because I went to a different doctor to be tested. Now I'm still a bit concerned about ectopic, but Dr isn't at all so I guess I shouldn't be, but it's in my nature since I was a medical student and really enjoyed studying the human body so I'm really curious to know what is going on with mine when I'm 5'7'', 180lbs, 24 years old, and healthy aside from a cold here and there.
Maybe I am just in denial because of how bad we wanted this baby. But I am having such a hard time accepting it is over. I just keep thinking well what if the doctors are wrong because that does happen. Everyone says "try again" or "next time" and I agree there is always a next time, but this did actually happen and this was my first ever pregnancy with my husband. I'm sad and feel broken. I partly blame myself for not losing these extra 20 lbs I carry, for not always eating the healthiest, for not working out daily, for missing a day or two of prenatal pills, and for letting stress get to me. My parents blame Mirena IUD and that the hormones thinned my uterine lining and it just wasn't ready to support a preganancy. Either way if my lady parts were up to par this pregnancy could have come to fruition and we could have had our blessing by Christmas. I feel robbed of the Mommy title that I wanted for so long. DH and I were dreaming of all of the things to come and felt on top of the world. Now I burst out in tears at the most random things and I feel no one around me truely understands how I'm feeling, but DH is doing a great job of just knowing when I need a big hug and kiss and it means the world to me. I know it was better this way and I shouldn't blame myself because it is nature and my body knows whats best. I just feel this wouldn't happen to me. Everyone is always getting pregnant around you and seem to have no issues so why do I have to be the one with problems. Or it's just a taboo subject women do not like discussing for fear of being looked at as being infertile or being less of woman? I now have more and more relatives including my own MIL telling me how they had a miscarriage and went on to have a healthy pregnancy. It is nice to hear and does give me hope that everything is going to be alright and work out.
I have the option to get another blood test done in one week to see where my levels are at after that long they should change to give Drs a better idea of whats happening. I've accepted that the Lord can give and the Lord can take. I trust he has a plan for our family and like my Mom says the next one will be ours to hold not just love. I am going to see how this week goes and how I feel.
My thoughts and prayers are with other women going through this. It's incredibly difficult and many people do not understand. Have faith that God will never give you more than you can handle so stay strong and our day to become parents and hold our crying babies will come!
Thank you DH for being there for me even when I know you do not know what words to say to make things better. Don't worry there is no words only time that can heal these wounds.I love you with all my heart and soul and I cannot wait to make you a Daddy and know you will be so caring, wise, and compassionate. All of my love always DH! You're the best.
Thank you for your words of support and encouragement as well. It's comforting in the bad times to reflect on how much good we are actually surrounded by in our lives. We have a lot to be thankful for and I know this experience has taught me that life is an incredibly precious thing and to not take it for granted.
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