Will Not Give Up Hope...

Well this summer has had it's ups and downs. I've been able to enjoy lots of relaxing time with family & friends, time working on my hobbies, and enjoying work, but there is still something missing. In the back of my mind-even though I swore off being in "baby mode"- I cannot stop praying, hoping, and wishing my dreams will come true again. It was hard having a mc and not having really anyone to talk to about it or understand my pain.

I didn't even get AF last month so I thought I was pregnant, but continue to test negative on FRERs so instead of wasting all my money I am just waiting for real this time until my missed AF. It's funny how almost every month I thought I had symptoms but looking back when it was real it hit me. The hot flashes, "mood change" (Sorry Baby) , nausea, food aversions, and of course the throwing up.

One super early sign I remember having was a sore throat and stuffy nose. I am right now stuffed up and had a sore throat that lasted 2 days. I pray we caught the lil egg this month. The way I'm feeling really gives me hope. Fingers crossed, I will be testing the first week in Aug...prolly Thurs or Fri. BabyDust please work.

Faint Evaps on Wondfo or BFP?

Still TTC after our chemical pregnancy in April. I never had a period in May and it is now June and I'm wondering if this is it again. I've been testing periodically on the Wondfo test strips and have been noticing shadows of lines showing up around 5 to 10 mins after testing. It's outside the 3 minute time frame, but the strip still feels moist to touch so is it really an evap? The pink hued shadow is showing up on multiple strips. I took it as a possible positive so I went to follow-up with a FRER but BFN. The wait is the hardest part especially when I'm having so many new symptoms I didn't even have back in April. We are hoping, wishing, and praying we have been blessed with a sticky lil' bean this time around, but if not we will try, try, and try again.

A Chemical Pregnancy? Is this really happening?

My blood test in the ER came back with HCG level of 11. My cervix was still closed, but I had moderate bleeding. I took a digi test 2 days later and it still showed positive. I got my blood drawn 3 days after my ER visit and the results of that was 13.9. So my hcg levels are either slowly increasing or it is just because I went to a different doctor to be tested. Now I'm still a bit concerned about ectopic, but Dr isn't at all so I guess I shouldn't be, but it's in my nature since I was a medical student and really enjoyed studying the human body so I'm really curious to know what is going on with mine when I'm 5'7'', 180lbs, 24 years old, and healthy aside from a cold here and there.

Maybe I am just in denial because of how bad we wanted this baby. But I am having such a hard time accepting it is over. I just keep thinking well what if the doctors are wrong because that does happen. Everyone says "try again" or "next time" and I agree there is always a next time, but this did actually happen and this was my first ever pregnancy with my husband. I'm sad and feel broken. I partly blame myself for not losing these extra 20 lbs I carry, for not always eating the healthiest, for not working out daily, for missing a day or two of prenatal pills, and for letting stress get to me. My parents blame Mirena IUD and that the hormones thinned my uterine lining and it just wasn't ready to support a preganancy. Either way if my lady parts were up to par this pregnancy could have come to fruition and we could have had our blessing by Christmas. I feel robbed of the Mommy title that I wanted for so long. DH and I were dreaming of all of the things to come and felt on top of the world. Now I burst out in tears at the most random things and I feel no one around me truely understands how I'm feeling, but DH is doing a great job of just knowing when I need a big hug and kiss and it means the world to me. I know it was better this way and I shouldn't blame myself because it is nature and my body knows whats best. I just feel this wouldn't happen to me. Everyone is always getting pregnant around you and seem to have no issues so why do I have to be the one with problems. Or it's just a taboo subject women do not like discussing for fear of being looked at as being infertile or being less of woman? I now have more and more relatives including my own MIL telling me how they had a miscarriage and went on to have a healthy pregnancy. It is nice to hear and does give me hope that everything is going to be alright and work out.

I have the option to get another blood test done in one week to see where my levels are at after that long they should change to give Drs a better idea of whats happening. I've accepted that the Lord can give and the Lord can take. I trust he has a plan for our family and like my Mom says the next one will be ours to hold not just love. I am going to see how this week goes and how I feel.

My thoughts and prayers are with other women going through this. It's incredibly difficult and many people do not understand. Have faith that God will never give you more than you can handle so stay strong and our day to become parents and hold our crying babies will come!

Thank you DH for being there for me even when I know you do not know what words to say to make things better. Don't worry there is no words only time that can heal these wounds.I love you with all my heart and soul and I cannot wait to make you a Daddy and know you will be so caring, wise, and compassionate. All of my love always DH! You're the best.

Thank you for your words of support and encouragement as well. It's comforting in the bad times to reflect on how much good we are actually surrounded by in our lives. We have a lot to be thankful for and I know this experience has taught me that life is an incredibly precious thing and to not take it for granted.

It's With a Heavy Heart ...

I share that our joy was short lived when I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage, but was told it's inevitable. I began spotting on Saturday. I thought it was normal and trusted my body that it was doing what it needed to be doing. Then I awoke this morning to alot of blood and knew something wasn't right. I couldn't wait until May 3rd  to go to my first prenatal checkup, so I drove to the local hospital Urgent Care/ER to get seen. (Since doctor office was closed)

I learned my cervix is closed after a pelvic exam, but I was losing a moderate amount of blood, like a regular period. I was not and am not currently experiencing any cramps. I was given my blood test results and everything looks normal but my hcg level is only 11 and urine test negative. I ended up calling DH to come be with me as I knew things were not sounding good and all I could possibly think that could make me feel better would to be wrapped in his arms. Boy am I glad he come quickly, because he was there when the doctor broke the "better luck next time news" and gave his condolences and left us to take in the news that we suffered an early miscarriage.

 DH and I hugged and cried just like when we first learned of you Baby. Whether you were 6 weeks or 36 weeks you were still our baby, you were conceived out of pure love, and you were so loved and wanted since before you even were. I have faith that God has a plan for everyone and hope for our next pregnancy to turn out as healthy as can be. DH is my absolute rock yet says the same about me somehow. Our love will always help us through the difficult times. As well as our amazing, loving supportive family. And above all our faith in Gods plan for us.

I plan on continuing my prenatal vitamins and still going to see doctor to make sure we get the go ahead to keep trying. God grant me the serenity.

RIP SBA

OMG! BFP 23 DPO! aka We're Pregnant!!!

Translation anyone? All those acronyms stand for:

"Oh my god, big fat positive at 23 days post ovulation".

I cannot believe it and am honestly still grasping the concept. We have hoped and prayed for this blessing to happen since our Honeymoon in Jan/Feb and now it's actually here!

I don't really know where to begin, but I know-because I was one of them-that there is a whole slew of women that love to obsess over two week wait symptoms so I want to share how I've been feeling before finding out I was pregnant from an FRER HPT (First Response Early Response Home Pregnancy Test).

3/13-3/19:  AF (Aunt Flow)

3/29-3/30: Early morning insomnia & metal/iron taste in mouth.

4/2: Started new job as sign artist that I love! Went to lunch with boss lady and co-worker at favorite mexican restaurant. Took two bites of my favorite quesadilla and had to literally run to bathroom to puke then felt much better. Weird? Only EVER puke when I've had one too many brewskis or am hungover. Have not drank at all lately, not been feeling in mood to, weird because usually socially drink Fridays.

4/3: Took shower, feeling sick, threw up when I stepped out of shower.

Felt weak & tired all week. Since I'm a  POAS (Pee On A Stick) addict I keep taking HPTs all coming back negative. I just feel in my soul I am pregnant so where is that second line I'm straining my eyes searching for!

4/10: (14 DPO today, AF due) Have a complete food aversion to everything! I work in a grocery store hand drawing signage for the store and it made me sick to my stomach and weak in my knees whenever I had to go downstairs and be in the store. Nothing sounded good to me but water. I been drinking lots of water. I normally do anyway, but just cannot get enough lately. The smell of seafood makes me nauseous worse than before. No AF.

4/11: Bad sore throat that came out of no where and lasted around 48 hours.

4/14:Hubby made a nice dinner tonight. I loved the mashed potatoes with cheese, but couldn't stand the meatloaf. I took one bite and it tasted like plastic. I couldn't even force myself to eat it and I love meatloaf. DH swears I'm pregnant. We say grace and pray we become three.

4/16: Feeling great this week and work is really fun! I truly love my job!! I really need to contact people for my food truck business, but am just too tired at the end of the day. I find myself super tired and just wishing I could sleep in yet I get insomnia at times!

4/18: My boss lady told us she is 12 weeks preggo!! So happy for her! I've accepted the fact that I'm not pregnant. I keep testing negative and just don't feel pregnant anymore since I feel myself again from last weeks aversions. AF still has not arrived so I guess there is a chance still...

4/19: (23 DPO) Seen a FRER HPT (last one) in my drawer and thought what the heck it's my first morning pee. I took it seen the control line turn pink. I set the test down, wondering to myself why I even bother but I just have this feeling I am so I cannot help but test. DH must think I'm nuts lately. I look at the test and to my disbelief there is immediately a faint line !!!!! It's faint but holy shit it's there!!!!!!!!! I immediately start bawling and check the HPT in every possible light source. When I'm positive it's positive I went to the door. DH came walking out of the garage and seen me holding the test with tears in my eyes. He smiled so big and came and scooped me up in his arms. We laughed and cried and just cannot wait to meet you. We love you so much already!!

Now the fun begins. Sharing our news! :)

Cheers to the Fricken Weekend

As if I'm not busy enough starting a business I decided to get a Hobby Jobby I call it. It's a part time job I took at a local grocery store to design handwritten signs and posters to be displayed throughout the store. Sort of like Trader Joe's sign artists, but I do not believe chalk will be my medium, I think it will be oil pastels.  It's an entry level position I was offered to work with the marketing department and I could barely contain my excitement! I happily accepted the position and look forward to orientation Monday then being able to telecommute. Being able to have a creative outlet for my talent and be compensated nicely for it feels rewarding.  That means tomorrow night we are going out to celebrate our business launching to social media sites and celebrate my new Hobby Jobby! Goes to show you if you work hard enough at a dream it can become a reality! Till next time...

From Babies to...Business?!

I'm an  entreprenuer at heart & I always knew I was destined to run my own business someday, but in what I wondered? Well wonder no more! I am proud to announce I am now the Owner/CMO or Chief Marketing Officer of a mobile food truck in Wisconsin! Since marketing, social media, graphic design, and being creative is my cup of tea it was a no brainer what tasks were going to be assigned to me. I'm honestly not sure how I am going to fall asleep with all the excitement and ideas swirling about in my head. We plan to serve fresh, homestyle comfort foods the way Mom makes it because it is Mom making it! It feels great to have something to call my own and know I have the hardest working, most trusthworthy and honest partners by my side through this journey we are embarking on.

We are so excited and busy getting

  our Servsafe certification completed, remodeling the interior to conform to Wisconsin codes & health specifications, purchasing proper licensing & permits, and perfecting our business model. I know this will more than occupy my time indefinitely and I am so ready to make some cha-ching & meet some amazing people!

DH & I have not sworn off a little one joining our family this year even with starting a new business. Life is what you make of it and I'm ready to take control no matter what I have going on. God will never give you more than you cannot handle so no matter what obstacles come our way I know we will overcome. I am still keeping an eye out for amazing deals on baby stuff and we actually have a pretty good start on our nursery. Anyways wish us luck , not that luck has anything to do with putting in hard work, but it doesnt hurt to have some more positive chain of events in the near future. Hehehe :) THANK YOU!