A Chemical Pregnancy? Is this really happening?

My blood test in the ER came back with HCG level of 11. My cervix was still closed, but I had moderate bleeding. I took a digi test 2 days later and it still showed positive. I got my blood drawn 3 days after my ER visit and the results of that was 13.9. So my hcg levels are either slowly increasing or it is just because I went to a different doctor to be tested. Now I'm still a bit concerned about ectopic, but Dr isn't at all so I guess I shouldn't be, but it's in my nature since I was a medical student and really enjoyed studying the human body so I'm really curious to know what is going on with mine when I'm 5'7'', 180lbs, 24 years old, and healthy aside from a cold here and there.

Maybe I am just in denial because of how bad we wanted this baby. But I am having such a hard time accepting it is over. I just keep thinking well what if the doctors are wrong because that does happen. Everyone says "try again" or "next time" and I agree there is always a next time, but this did actually happen and this was my first ever pregnancy with my husband. I'm sad and feel broken. I partly blame myself for not losing these extra 20 lbs I carry, for not always eating the healthiest, for not working out daily, for missing a day or two of prenatal pills, and for letting stress get to me. My parents blame Mirena IUD and that the hormones thinned my uterine lining and it just wasn't ready to support a preganancy. Either way if my lady parts were up to par this pregnancy could have come to fruition and we could have had our blessing by Christmas. I feel robbed of the Mommy title that I wanted for so long. DH and I were dreaming of all of the things to come and felt on top of the world. Now I burst out in tears at the most random things and I feel no one around me truely understands how I'm feeling, but DH is doing a great job of just knowing when I need a big hug and kiss and it means the world to me. I know it was better this way and I shouldn't blame myself because it is nature and my body knows whats best. I just feel this wouldn't happen to me. Everyone is always getting pregnant around you and seem to have no issues so why do I have to be the one with problems. Or it's just a taboo subject women do not like discussing for fear of being looked at as being infertile or being less of woman? I now have more and more relatives including my own MIL telling me how they had a miscarriage and went on to have a healthy pregnancy. It is nice to hear and does give me hope that everything is going to be alright and work out.

I have the option to get another blood test done in one week to see where my levels are at after that long they should change to give Drs a better idea of whats happening. I've accepted that the Lord can give and the Lord can take. I trust he has a plan for our family and like my Mom says the next one will be ours to hold not just love. I am going to see how this week goes and how I feel.

My thoughts and prayers are with other women going through this. It's incredibly difficult and many people do not understand. Have faith that God will never give you more than you can handle so stay strong and our day to become parents and hold our crying babies will come!

Thank you DH for being there for me even when I know you do not know what words to say to make things better. Don't worry there is no words only time that can heal these wounds.I love you with all my heart and soul and I cannot wait to make you a Daddy and know you will be so caring, wise, and compassionate. All of my love always DH! You're the best.

Thank you for your words of support and encouragement as well. It's comforting in the bad times to reflect on how much good we are actually surrounded by in our lives. We have a lot to be thankful for and I know this experience has taught me that life is an incredibly precious thing and to not take it for granted.

Big Fat Negative

Still negative. I think I am concentrating too much on wanting this to happen that I'm not following my own advice of just letting things happen. I was a little sad, but realize it doesn't always happen on the first try. Next time I comment on the topic I hope it is to share my "BFP" or Big Fat Positive with you.

No Period, No Positive, No Problem?

So I have not gotten my period yet this month, but continue to test negative on the hpt's I've taken. After some research I thought maybe I should go get a blood test done, but the nurse I spoke with over the phone sort of talked me out of coming in. She said hpts are very accurate and I would be around 7 weeks if I were, but from what I read hpts can be false negatives if your hcg hormone levels are low in the first trimester. I decided to wait a couple more weeks and just monitor myself and will go in if anything changes. I've never had regular periods unless I was on bc, but then I had Mirena put in. I got Mirena removed in Dec and Jan 3-10 I had my period. Everything seemed 10-2 to go ahead and just have fun trying. So once my period stopped it was on like Donkey Kong. DH and I have always had an active love life so I just wanted to leave it up to God and whenever he decided was the right time to bless us with our lil bean. I remember getting horrible cramps on MLK Jr day on Jan 18 (implantation?) then nothing since. Cramps I attribute to PMS and gas gurgles I think are just from my diet. I'm a Wisconsin cheesehead and love my milk and cheese. I eat what I want in moderation and am pushing myself to exercise but winter makes it hard for me.

If it's true that I am about 7 weeks right now that would put my due date around October 8th, 2012 ... which is also our one year anniversary! What a wonderful gift that would be :) Any other expectant mommies out there around same time as me?

I've experienced the following symptoms but sort of tell myself it's in my head, or is it?

1.Cramping, Bloating, Gas (PMS, diet)

2.Hungry! (I love food)

3.Seems like I have more belly pooch (result of #2)

4.Dry Skin & Hair (Wisconsin winter?)

5.Butteflies(like anxiety but just recently got when just relaxing and felt like nothing I've felt)

6.Hot Flashes

7.Night sweats

8. Fatigue (uffdah I'm tired!Maybe its just winter)

Well let's keep our fingers crossed! Only time will tell...or a blood test...but time will suffice for now.

Babies on the Brain

That about sums it up for us lately. We are beyond excited to start trying and hope we are blessed with a pregnancy sooner than later, but only time will tell. We bought a new crib, dresser, and changing table and have already set them up in the baby's room. I watch craigslist daily for great deals on baby things we will be needing that wouldn't hurt to buy used to save a few bucks as well. Not sure really what to get on our own and what gifts are given at baby showers, but I'm planning on asking for clothes and diapers. Hopefully everything else we can accumulate over the next year. Since we are both healthy and do not have any outstanding medical conditions, conceiving shouldn't be much more than getting our timing right, so we are just leaving it up to fate. I am not worrying about tracking this, measuring that, or turning conceiving into work. We are going to just go about mattress mambo like we normally do. Since we are quite active I don't imagine it should take too long, but then again what do I know this IS my first rodeo! If within this year we do not conceive naturally on our own we will look into other options, but in the mean time just going to have fun and enjoy ourselves. How long after ttc did you?

My days are somewhat quiet now and I have some time to myself at night when DH is gone at work. I am really soaking it in and appreciating the time I have left. I'm ready for my life to get hectic, busy, and to dedicate it to raising my children up right. I look forward to being the best wife, partner, bestfriend, and lover I can be to my husband. I hope to be half the mother my Mom was to me. I see more and more of her coming out in me as I go through life and become my own person. Her lessons and lectures all seem so priceless and invaluable now. I think back to being a teenager and taking her words of wisdom for nagging, but she's right..Moms are always right. One day I would understand and now I do.She is my bestfriend and the one woman in the world that would never hurt me only ever help me. I'm so excited to become a mother myself and learn from her and experience motherhood with her by my side for support! Not to mention I also married into a large loving family of in-laws that I wouldn't trade for the world. My mother in law is so caring and compassionate and will be another great resource for me (us). I feel very fortunate to get to live the life I do and know a child will only add to our pure happiness and joy we live each day being in love and being a family. I hope to be a resource to any others out there as well. I enjoy hearing from those of you in similar positions as I am or if you can relate.  Till next time... Take Care!